To breastfeed or not to breastfeed...

This is the question consuming me these days. Actually, the choice never really seemed to be there. Lola has never latched on well and despite my efforts to breastfeed or at the very least, pump and bottle feed, I have been unsuccessful at both. This leaves me with many feelings including, guilt, sadness, and the worry that Lola is not getting the best nutrition possible. I know many moms choose not to breast feed, but for me, I had it all planned out. Lola had other plans. I have read books, spoke to nurses/specialists, and friends and family, but nothing I do seems to bring Lola any closer to breastfeeding. I have received support from friends and family, but now I am struggling with how to be OK with not breastfeeding. After everything I have been through with Lola, the pregnancy and birth, I never imagined that breastfeeding would be where it got hard. You always hear how natural this experience is, but for me, there was nothing natural about it. I realize this is not my usual post and more personal, but this has been weighing heavily on my heart and I needed to get it off my chest.

Update and photos

Things here are going well. Lola is a little angel and as sweet as can be. For the most part, she is calm and easy going, but of course, she only eats, sleeps, and poops :). We have some awake time together when she is alert and looking around. These moments I cherish. She had her first check up at the doctor and she is doing well. She is still small, weighing 5 pounds, 8 ounces. She eats really well from the bottle and we are still struggling on with breastfeeding. We were released from the hospital on Sunday and very glad to be home. Lola has fit right into her new room and sleeps really well in her crib. I am feeling well with only some mild discomfort at times. Sean is doing well and enjoys being with his daughter. He is really sweet to her and it is really cute to watch him interact with Lola. Despite that he is already driving me crazy as he gets bored easily, I appreciate him being here and helping me out. He has been very supportive and he was amazing during the delivery of Lola. More to come later.

A Few More Pictures

Too busy to write at the moment. Here are a few more photos.

Lola Grace 2/22/08

I just stopped home to take care of the dog, eat, and post some pictures. Gwen went to the hospital at 11:30 and had Lola at 5:17. She's a little 5 pound baby and is 19 inches long. The epidural did not work and Gwen and I are calling it as good as a "natural" birth.

Unfocused

The whole day felt a bit off from the beginning. My Fridays really begin on Thursday morning due to it always being about a 15 1/2 hour day with my UNLV classes at night. Every Friday begins with a feeling as if I had a hangover from pure exhaustion. The morning went by well enough with pleasant conversation from colleagues as I sat in the main work room allowing my student teacher to have some time alone with his new classes.

Lunch was extra special because it was "smoothie day." For those of you who watch the Office, smoothie day is not unlike pretzel day. I spent most of my lunch talking with Joe who was still shell shocked over the massacre at NIU where he is a graduate student. As we spoke I told him that I couldn't imagine having a shooting on campus and the feelings that would come with that.

In the afternoon my students and I discussed the shootings at NIU and the possible reasons something that like happens so often here in the US. School shootings are really a strange American phenomenon. Lynching was another creepy manifestation of something dark, dirty, and violent that lies among the most positive characteristics of American society: apple pie, crying eagles on t-shirts, NFL, baby shower games, and school shootings.

School ended for the day. A 14 year old boy started to walk home from school. He made it about 200 feet and was killed in a senseless drive by shooting. Currently, the police claim that it appears to have been a random murder involved with gang initiation. There are no suspects. The kid's name has not been released. I don't know if I knew the boy. He played in the high school band and took honors classes. We go back to school on Tuesday. I am currently overwhelmed with feelings of violation/rage/helplessness/and overall sorrow that I feel for the kid's family, friends, and overall school community.

...and the belly grows bigger...